i was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder
when i was fourteen and i fell in love
when i was seventeen,
two months before my eighteenth birthday.
i wonder what it’s like to be in a normal
teenage relationship, often at times
when he runs his hands through my hair
and i pull away at the feeling of his nails
against my scalp, shaking, sweating.
i wonder what it’s like for other people
when the person they love leans in to kiss them,
i wonder if they pull away, the world spinning
around their feet, their eyes unable to focus
on anything solid, screaming that they don’t
want to be touched when all they need is
to be held.
i wonder if they spend their nighttimes awake,
staring at the eggshell off-white of their ceiling,
like i do, thinking of all the people the person
they love should be with, and knowing not a single one
of them is me. i spend more time making up
scenarios in my head than living out any
of them.
i am shaped by my head and my heart,
pulling me together and pushing me apart, and
my anxiety disorder does not make me who i am,
with my swollen tongue and my trembling hands
but neither is the love i feel for somebody else,
even when i don’t feel it for myself.
one should not get rid of the other.
but i’m terrified it will one day,
and if i’m only half of what i had,
i’m so scared to not be the same.
But I did
I did love her
I loved like I’ve
Never loved before
And it didn’t matter
Not one damn bit
Everything still fell
Apart at the seams
And I fell
Seamlessly
Into this hell of
Self-doubt and regret
Bitter as wormwood
Starts fallen from
The sky. Blackness
All around and there
Is no reason why
Except maybe
Accept maybe
Oh, I’ll try
what really scares me is that i’m average i’m not really good at anything or really beautiful i’m going to live an average life with an average job an average income and die an average death with an average funeral and nobody is going to remember me
i feel like i’m reblogging history. “the post that broke the notes”
THERE ARE NO FUCKING NOTES
WE HAVE REACHED INFINITY
what the heLL
Um….guys….
There are negative notes….
WHY ARE THERE NEGATIVE NOTES?
HOW ARE THERE NEGATIVE NOTES?!?!?!?!
Its in the black hole of tumblr
At time of reblogging, this post has 1 note :’)
Uhm nothing was there then I hit the heart and 1 note popped up.. Guys I’m scared..
it has reset to 0 notes. what have you done?
now it’s floating in the middle of the thingy
EVERY DAMN TIME
There’s literally nothing there.
What is this?
I couldn’t scroll past this. I need to be part of history for this. There are no notes do you even realise
Let it be known I was here on this day of march twentieth twenty sixteen and I’m laying in bed at nine thirty am
WOO NO NOTES PARTYYY
WTF IS THIS?!?! IM CONFUSED NO NOTES WUT DA ACTUAL FUCK
I LIKED IT AND IT HAD ONE NOTE.
ONE.
NOTE.
Oh wow there are seriously no notes..
What the heck.
OH MY GOSH IT’S TRUE. There were 0 notes, now i liked and just one note popped up! I’m.. I’m not sure how this can happen..? But now I’m part of history YEAH 24th March 2016 - 03:05 am
WHOA SO WEIRD
I just had to see it for myself and it’s true. Holy crap.
On this day, March 24th, 2016 at 12:22 in the afternoon, I have made myself part of history.
it’s back
Huh….
I’ll probably always reblog this
I feel like tumblr staff have been motoring this post and they put a special code in it so no notes ever show up